BETWEEN THE DIAGNOSIS

 

Life is full of stressors

I, adamant about not being called disordered

Don’t ask – Don’t tell

Leave me alone

Do ask – Do tell

For I am caught in a place in-between heaven and hell

            It’s as if I am in a humvee in a small insignificant convoy…

            Aimlessly driving…

            The lead vehicle hit…can you say “I-E-D”?

            The third and last vehicle has disappeared from my dream and in reality

 

So I am stuck in-between the convoy

            “in” and “tween” either demolished or ousted

            only I “be” left or is it right

            damn politics add to my jam

“Con-Voy” – like “Em-manu-el” – without.

            “man-you” alone “with” out “El” – even God

            without “con” in “voy” – I am nothing!

 

I am in-be-tween diagnosis: PTSD – TBI

            Something not right

Don’t ask me to take drugs prescribed by pharmacology

Don’t tell me I’m disordered

My stress is post traumatic

            Spiritual, emotional, psychological and in-between

How about Post Traumatic Stress Disabled…or even Dead?

            Part of me is dead to something about life

            Something that not even suicidal death will heal

            Could be a good thing – don’t know

I thought I had this “thing” beaten like my president said:

            “Mission Accomplished!”

            Oops!

Thought I was unscathed

Macho and strong enough to shake it off

Told my story in a book I published

            But whiney anonymous people kept speaking

            Through their patriotic hypocrisy:

“Don’t tell me the truth of an unjust war. – Don’t ask me to look at my part.”

 

Yep! The lie is simple – we never learned from Vietnam, Cold War or Korea

            War sucks… the life out of our given world…and for whatever its worth…me

Throughout the years war has been glorified…even if undeclared or unjustified

               O thus be it ever, when free men shall stand

             Between their loved homes and the war’s desolation

Blessed with victory and peace

May the heaven’s rescued land praise the Power that has made

And preserved us a nation…

Then conquer we must, if our cause it is just…

I be still caught in-between my founding fathers…

 and the pursuit of liberty, justice and peace for all

enemies real or perceived are part of all

Throughout the years of our young nation, war has been glorified

            Fight is might

            Our Founding Fathers (and might I add Founding Mothers?)

handed down to us anxieties, constitution, stress, land, freedom

and making a living off war like in the sales… or aid

of weapons of mass destruction…yes, U.S…Ah!

            Using, not loving our enemies

            Using, not seeing how we enslave other countries to terror and devastation

            I HATE WAR – War is Hell – Just ask FDR and the Memorial

            Close to Arlington National where over 20 men I held are buried

 

The Founding Fathers didn’t find or found anything…

            Except a beacon of hope

            To live in peace where…

            All people are not created disordered, but

            All men and women are created ordered and equal

Our country we love was born of wars and glory

Our country is still seeking peace

            …but we haven’t found it yet

The hope of course is in our Founding Mothers, at least in spirit…

            Who will have enough of Gold Star Mothers and Fathers

            Who will have enough of wounded warriors and disordered children

                        returned to struggle and demons and suicide

When and if we recognize that,

“War is the defeat of humanity” to quote a pope JPII of late,

   If all are created equal             –not disordered, not partisan

                                                      --not more or less patriotic

                                                --not even richer nor poorer

Then we have a chance of being founding fathers and mothers

of the first nation that does not crumble, disorder or collapse from within

The Founding Fathers and Mothers

encourage us to keep Amendments coming

until we find the right path to a true homeland security

and a motto, “In God We Trust!”

formed and made of inalienable rights

for all people of good will – all faiths

all Native Americans

and the rest of us all immigrants

brought here weary of oppression, slavery and lost

all enemies no more…foreign nor domestic in the post traumatic

 

Until then…

            I be “in-be-tween” the diagnosis…like my wounded country

            The brain in-be-tween the traumatic—injury

 

 

 

                                                                        ron moses camarda +

 

                                                           

 

***Ron served as a catholic chaplain in the fierce battle of Fallujah from October to December in 2004. He received casualties every day from 9-11 to 12-24 while at Bravo Surgical – a M.A.S.H. type Marine Medical Battalion. He personally received over 1500 casualties and 81 deaths; over 12 died in his arms. He also journeyed into the city of Fallujah many times while the battle was still raging and in the aftermath to minister the sacraments to the Marine, Navy and Army troops. He has not been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). It could be a thing of pride or maybe, just maybe, it is something much deeper and mysterious.

 

My writing has evolved. My writing itself has needed healing.

Let the healing and conversation begin.